Her daughter came down the stairs for breakfast with what seemed like a snide look on her face. Immediately, her mother reacted, "wipe that look off your face."

Her daughter dashed right back up the steps.

"Not again. This morning was off to a terrible start," her mother thought. "Why did I even say that?"

Suddenly, it hit her. This was a phrase that her mother used to say to her, in her teenage years. She HATED it because she really wasn't trying to do anything wrong and she had a strained relationship with her mother as a result.

What went wrong?

Why would she have repeated a phrase that used to cause her pain, with her beloved daughter?

An article in Psychology Today says it this way, "the division we may feel within ourselves between who we really are and the echoed “voices” of our history can lead us to act in ways we don’t even like or say things we don’t even mean. We’re most likely to engage in these reactive behaviors in times of stress and in situations that trigger painful and primal feelings. What we fail to realize in these moments is that much of what we’re experiencing on an emotional level is based on projections and old feelings from our childhood."

This is a big topic and begs more explanation, but let's keep it short for you this Monday morning.

Our behavior patterns are often the result of childhood influence, whether we like it or not.

Do you have unconscious patterns? Ask yourself: Have I ever done something or said something and it felt like it wasn’t me?

You might wonder, aren't I further ahead by now? How can do/say something I once hated?

Remember, even if your parents are amazing humans, they likely have traits that don’t fit with your vision for who you want to be. They did the best they could with what they knew.

Here's what to do when (not if) this happens for you.

The first step toward change is always awareness of what is happening. STOP and notice the reaction isn't really you.

Maybe it feels foreign as it's happening. It doesn't feel in alignment with who you are working to be. Maybe it feels rigid and unloving.

Next, ask yourself these questions:

1. Is this how I have reacted in the past?

2. Is this in alignment with who I have been working to be?

3. Is this a reaction that I saw someone in my past have at a similar situation?

Old conditioning and patterns could be habitual by now.

It's time to break the cycle of past pain.

You will react to stressful situations in life, this is inevitable. But, ask yourself, how do you want those reactions to affect yourself and other people?

Use STOP to choose a new reaction and make a new pattern.

👉S- Stop immediately and notice what's happening.

👉 T- Time. Is this something from the past or is this how I normally react?

👉 O-Opportunity for learning. See the pain and learn from it. Do it differently next time, based on love and who you want to be for that person.

👉 P-Pause before you react in the future. (Read more on the Power of Pause in Chapter 6 of my book. It's a real game-changer.)

You must STOP if you want to break the cycle of past pain. You must let go of the SHAME of it. When you can let it go and forgive yourself and the people who may have taught you that behavior, you can begin to find healing and a new way of being. The ripple effect is staggering. You don't have to continue the cycle.

Please remember that people in your past did what they knew to do. They didn’t know another way. It doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, but it does allow for letting go.

Practice STOP. It will get easier with time.

Learning to control my reactions is one of the habits that has CHANGED my life forever. I'm not perfect and have to practice my healthy mind habits every single day. It's worth it and many arguments and hard times can be avoided.

By the way, this article is not just for mothers and daughters, this is for any human-human interaction. Use this at work, at home, and at the coffee shop. You are the creator of your reality. Be intentional about who you are. (Otherwise, it's all just subconscious and out of your control.)

Love is the way, my friend. Use STOP (and pause from Chapter 6). It's a direct path to that love in your heart and will foster greater connection with those you love (even teenagers-I promise 😉).

You matter and your life matters.

Work on it like it's the only one you have.

Lots of love,

Rachel

Changing behavior patterns can be very hard to do alone. Often you are self-sabotaging your own goals and don't even know it. This is something we address in a coach-client relationship. We identify behaviors that are not serving in relationships, career, and health. Then, we create simple and effective new patterns that lead to more love, health, and success. It's all based on neuroscience and psychology! It's amazing how things can change when you are intentional. Want to learn more? Reply here and we can chat.