You have two people who fell in love. You built a life. Maybe you got married. Maybe you’ve been together for years. Then midlife arrives and one or both of you start wondering: Who is this person? Where did our ease and joy go?

Recently I stumbled on an Instagram post that stopped me in my tracks and perfectly named what so many of my clients are living. I sent it to a client right away. She felt the same gut-level relief. That post led me to its creator, Brooke Davis, and the conversation below inspired this week's podcast and blog.

Brooke runs@MarriageInPerimenopauseand has spent years digging into both the hormone science and the relationship dynamics that shift in midlife. This article is written in my voice, but I’m weaving in Brooke’s wisdom and a few direct quotes so you can share it with your partner and start a new kind of conversation.

First, you’re not alone

Midlife is full. Kids or teens. Maybe grown children. Aging parents. Work. A home to run. It can feel isolating.

“All women are asking very similar questions and having very similar experiences. The symptoms are different, but we’re all seeing things show up in our relationships, ”Brooke shared.

That normalization matters. Knowledge is power, but it is also connection.

Why hormones change relationships in midlife

We’re taught to think of hormones as “reproductive.” In reality, hormones are chemical messengers that influence nearly every body system, especially the brain. When estrogen and progesterone fluctuate, it affects:

✔️Mood and resilience: Estrogen supports serotonin and dopamine. When estrogen dips, patience thins, irritability rises, and stress feels harder to buffer.

✔️Sleep: Progesterone supports deep, restorative sleep. Poor sleep magnifies reactivity and erodes capacity for connection.

✔️Sensitivity: Many women notice new sensitivity to sound, light, and touch. Chewing noises, bright lights, even an unexpected hand on your shoulder can feel like too much.

As Brooke put it, hormones set the stage for how we experience stress and connection. When those chemistries shift, the relationship experience shifts too.

The “Estrogen Veil” and why little things feel huge

Brooke uses a phrase I love: the Estrogen Veil. For years, higher estrogen cushioned stress and made it easier to let things slide. As estrogen thins in perimenopause, that filter also thins.

“Your biology didn’t make you a different person overnight. It simply stopped cushioning what wasn’t working.”

That can be confronting. It is also clarifying. This season invites a re-evaluation of what supports you and what doesn’t, in your marriage and in your life.

Brain fog and communication

Brain fog is real. Losing words mid-sentence. Walking into a room and forgetting why. Pulling out a lip balm to pay at checkout instead of a credit card. It happens.

In a partnership, brain fog can look like not listening or not caring. It helps to name it.

Brooke and her husband created a simple cue: “It’s foggy today.” That one phrase invited patience, repetition, and compassion instead of frustration. I also love Brené Brown’s idea of saying, “I’m at 10% today.” Honest check-ins reduce personalizing and help both partners right-size expectations.

Your nervous system sits at the center

If you’ve been with me a while, you know how strongly I feel about this. A dysregulated nervous system is gasoline on every symptom and every conflict. The good news is that simple daily supports make a real difference: breath, outdoor time, hydration, blood sugar balance, vegetables, sleep rituals, and micro-moments of rest. Hormone therapy may be part of a plan for some women, but it works best on a solid foundation.

Timelines help partners engage

Many partners feel steadier when there is a sense of timing. Perimenopause can begin as early as the mid-30s and extend into the 40s. Sharing a general timeline and typical phases can help partners contextualize symptoms and stay present.

I also love that younger generations are already tracking cycles and symptoms together. Brooke’s 21-year-old son and his girlfriend track her cycle so he can better support her needs and energy. That is the kind of shared understanding that changes everything.

And a reminder: men have hormonal changes too, often a steadier decline. That can look like lower energy or a flatter mood. Knowing that both bodies are changing invites grace on both sides.

Let’s talk about libido

This is a big one. Brooke’s frame is both compassionate and practical:

“In your second act of life, desire becomes responsive, not spontaneous.”

In other words, you’re more likely to want closeness when you already feel emotionally close and safe, and when other forms of intimacy are nourished:

✔️Emotional intimacy: feeling seen and understood

✔️Experiential intimacy: shared activities and new experiences

✔️Intellectual intimacy: real conversations beyond logistics

Two more truths that help:

✔️ Plan intimacy. Anticipation is connection. Adults have busy lives. Put it on the calendar.

✔️Give it time. Many women need about 20 minutes to shift out of their head and into their body. My favorite analogy: women are ovens that need preheating, men are microwaves. Planning and pace make all the difference.

And please talk during intimacy. “More of this.” “Less of that.” “Pause.” Think of it as a loving playbook your partner can follow.

Silence and screens: two quiet saboteurs

Dismissiveness hurts, but so does silence. When partners go quiet because they don’t know what to say, it can feel like rejection. Add the barrier of screens after long days and weeks can pass with no real connection. Name it together. Decide where phones live during your connecting time. Protect the moments that keep you close.

The mental load is real. Redistribute it on purpose.

Many women carry the primary planning, remembering, scheduling, and household management. When the Estrogen Veil lifts, resentment can surface fast.

It may feel unfair that you have to start the conversation, but that conversation can change the trajectory of your relationship. Get honest about what you cannot or do not want to carry anymore. Invite your partner to name what feels heavy to them too. Consider stopping nonessential tasks, hiring help, or using shared apps and lists. In my Partner Communication Guide I include simple scripts and a “no invisible labor” dinner example: “You take dinner tonight” means choose, shop, cook, and clean without me directing.

Try a weekly check-in

The Gottman Institute popularized a simple rhythm that works beautifully here. Choose a day and ask each other:

✔️ What went well this week

✔️What felt heavy

✔️ What support do you need from me now

Keep it to ten minutes. If something big emerges, schedule a separate time when both of you have capacity. Early evening decision fatigue is real. Protect your energy.

Therapy is a strength move

Hormones can unearth old pain. That is not failure. It is your body insisting on honesty. Couples therapy or individual therapy gives you tools to heal, communicate, and reconnect. As Brooke said, doing the work got her back to herself and gave her marriage a better foundation.

Reject hustle. Redesign your second act

Our generation was told to do it all. We did. Then our bodies said stop. This is not punishment. It is an invitation to redesign. What do you want more of now. What needs to change. What rhythms keep you kind to yourself and kind to each other.

“You may have 30 or 40 more years together. Don’t you want those to be your best,” Brooke said. "I do."

A final word

You are changing. Your relationship can change with you. With honest conversation, nervous system care, and a plan for intimacy that fits this season, many couples find a deeper, steadier love on the other side.

I’m cheering for you. And I would love to hear what landed. If this was helpful, share it with your partner and with a friend who needs to know she is not alone.

Lots of love,

Rachel

If you want to go deeper:

Follow Brooke: Instagram@MarriageInPerimenopause

Brooke’s course: The Hormone-Informed Midlife Marriage, created for couples to learn the science, the relationship shifts, and to build a shared roadmap for your second act.

My Partner Communication Guide: step-by-step prompts, do’s and don’ts, and a simple system to rebalance the mental load. Grab it via the show notes or message me and I’ll send it to you.

Get The Mood Shift Method to finally know what to do to navigate mood swings during perimemopause.

Related episode: for the mindset piece, listen to Episode 56 with Jane Butler on the mindset of menopause.

About Rachel Carta, RN

As a Registered Nurse, Author, Functional Nutrition Counselor, & Life Coach, I help women who are tired of feeling off—low energy, digestive issues, brain fog, mood swings, or just not feeling like yourself. You can wake up with energy. You can feel good again in your body. You can reconnect to the vibrant, grounded you. You don't have to do this alone. Book a free consultation here: RachelCartaRN.com/schedule.

Need help with your Moods ASAP: Grab the free Mood Swing SOS audio here.